when abortion ISN’T a choice

I apologize in advance for the awkwardness of my words, but I don’t want them trapped inside of me. Sometimes I just need to write.

Abortion is just a choice, some say, as if it’s a “Do I want a blueberry or chocolate muffin,” kind of choice. Not a “Do I want to attach my life to my rapist’s and let him raise my child, alone, in his house?” choice. Or a “Do I want to let my family and my living children starve, so I can bring another unwanted, resented child into this world?” choice.

Or even, gasp!, a “I have no idea what to do with a baby, and maybe it’s kind of incredibly selfish for me to gain motherhood status just to spend the next two decades emotionally berating a child who never asked to be born, because I’m really horrible with kids?” kind of choice. How is it better to verbally and emotionally abuse a child (and don’t tell me that unwanted child won’t grow up feeling unwanted) than to say, “Hey, I’m not good with kids. I don’t think it’s right for me to inflict that life on a child.”?

I, as I have stated, will not choose an abortion at this time (and probably never). Even if I were to accidentally get pregnant, I would keep the pregnancy (no, not the “child” it isn’t a “child” yet.). And that is unlikely in my case (not because I am special, but because of my circumstances.)

But pregnancies are not these automatic baby dispensers, as if a woman’s body were a waffle maker.

If I get an abortion, it won’t be a choice.

I would not want an abortion, because I want a child. Accidental pregnancy doesn’t exist with me, not now, not really. But that doesn’t mean I won’t get one. Or that I am not affected by criminalizing abortions.

Sometimes the pregnancy results in a miscarriage (if abortions are illegal, miscarriages can be prosecuted, and make no mistake they ARE).

Sometimes the baby will be born in pain, and live whatever time it has in this world with constant medical care.

Sometimes a child, little more than a baby themselves, is forced to have a baby.

Sometimes, did you know, the baby dies inside of you. My friend (I will protect their anonymity), his wife’s child died inside of her. Some wanted his wife to wait it out. Feel her own dead child inside of her until her body fully rejected it. Potentially taking her along with it (medical complications that could have arisen from not getting the abortion). She was one of the lucky ones, too (said with heavy sarcasm), because some women are forced to feel their child die slowly within them, until it finally leaves their body).

How is that okay? How is that…how could you do that to someone? Not just the trauma inflicted on the mother, we don’t seem to care about that, but we don’t even really care about the babies, let’s be honest.

I want a child, but at what cost? I won’t do it at the expense of the child. And I am not alone.

Would it crush me? Probably. But it’s not always about your needs and wants. It’s about the child’s. Or at least it should be.

Sometimes the universe does not provide.

Sometimes it’s a choice, and that is very, very valid. But sometimes it just isn’t.

And we need to talk about that, too.

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