thank you note to the woman who will never hear me, a

Dear [_______],

I’d tell you that I’m sorry, if I could.  You’d like to hear that, yes?  So would I.  Neither of us will receive our wish.  Can’t have it all.  At least you got everything you asked for.  Of course, that doesn’t make it less shitty.

You had a perfect arrangement where nobody needed to know anything.  But he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with anyone else.  It wasn’t exactly forbidden, he just wasn’t supposed to do it.  You convinced yourself it could never happen.  And by the time you finally found out, because we forced you to find out, you might as well have found out your husband had a secret family.

I’m so sorry.  You and he should never have agreed to dishonesty, but you only did what everyone told you was the best thing.  How could you have known?  But it’s too late to worry about that now.

Funny, women get defensive with me on this point. “Don’t tell me what to do! I can do whatever we agree on!”  Funny, they don’t listen when I explain how poorly that turned out for you.  These women want to blame me, him, anyone but you for what happened to you.  You see, if the bad things happen to them?  They don’t want to blame themselves.  They did everything right, just as you did.

It’s not a lie, they tell themselves.  We agreed not to tell each other what we were doing.  It was all above board, all ethical, all nicely arranged.

I don’t know, but it feels like a lie to me.

Ah, if only he had done as you wished and made sure to keep his desires small enough to suit your plans!  Are you jealous of other women with nice, compliant husbands?  Who met nice, compliant little toys?  Toys you didn’t think about, feel feelings about?  Some women had husbands like that.  You ought to have had one of those.

But am grateful for you, though to you I am a burden.

You taught me I never want that to be in that situation again.  I don’t want to be what I was.  Nor do I want to be you.  I want something far different.

Honesty is my fetish, which can make life more difficult.  But I don’t mind.

I just wish I could tell you how much you gave me.  The view from halfway down.

a substantially less lost kitten


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